Wednesday, April 2, 2014
Saying Goodbye, Part 2
Three years ago today, I lost you. You slipped from this life surrounded by almost everyone you loved. With Carol at your head and me at your feet, you stopped breathing while everyone was saying goodbye to you. I am sorry you couldn't wait for Amanda, but maybe it is better she didn't have to see you die. I struggled for a very long time. I lied when I told you I would be fine and for you not to worry. I knew I wouldn't be. But now I am. I like my life most days, though I never stop wishing you were in it. I still miss you and love you just as much as always. Along the way during this journey, I have had moments when I thought I was okay, only to be hit hard a day or two later. Finally, though, I am having many more good days than bad days, and I can think of you most of the time without automatically crying. I still tear up easily, but I control it a lot better. I still get catches in my throat at times. I expect both will continue as long as I live. But life moves on and I am doing my very best to move with it. I am in such a better place than I have been since long before you got sick. I just wish you were here to share it with me.
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Happy Father's Day, my love. You were a wonderful father, and I can't stop thinking of you today. I remember when Mandy wanted to call you Daddy. We hadn't been together very long, though it probably felt very long to a two year old. She was so excited when we got engaged, and she finally got to call you Daddy. And so was I. I wasn't looking for a daddy for my daughter--or for a man for me for that matter. But there you were, just waiting for us to fall in love with, while we were waiting for you to fall in love with us--only none of us knew it yet. All my love today and always.
ReplyDeleteHappy anniversary, My Love. You have been on my mind all day. I like to think that we would have spent the day together, doing something fun, and then gone out to a spectacular dinner. As is was I went to Leavenworth for several things and came home to make waffles and eggs. But since I hardly ever have waffles, it was a treat I guess. Sure wish I could have shared it with you. That would have been the real treat. I have loved you for 29 years this year. I am always going to love you. I sure wish you were here. Happy anniversary. (Do you remember the Happy Anniversity card from Mandy one year when we lived in Moscow?} You are, as always, my heart.
ReplyDeleteTomorrow would have been our 28th anniversary and in early July we'd have been together 30 years. Happy anniversary, Love. I am missing you as usual. This years I am wishing you were here for yet another reason (as if there weren't already so many): we are going to be grandparents. Specifically, we hare going to have a granddaughter. Only four months to go. I wish you were going to be here to enjoy this with me. I know how much you'd have loved being a grandfather. I am so excited! But I am more excited (if that's possible) for Mandy and Dan. They are going to make the absolute best parents! I am so sad that you didn't get to live to be Grandpa. And it makes me sad that our little granddaughter won't know her grandpa. Breaks my heart, actually, On both counts. I hope you will be able to see her and watch her grow. For all I know, you already know her. I can't wait to meet her, but I wish we would be meeting her together. It's been over four years since I lost you and a day doesn't go by that I don't miss you and think about you. I am used to being alone these days and I am okay with it, though not crazy about it. I finally realized why I took extra pain meds after you were first diagnosed. I was afraid that my life would be lonely and sad and horrible. And it was all those things for a while. It's still lonely at times, but I try to keep myself busy and that really helps. I have a group of friends, several groups of friends, actually, who I spend time with, and I exercise almost every day. I know--major surprise! I started at the Y in the pool (not a surprise) and worked up. Now I swim laps five days a week when I can, take a low impact class with weights two to three times a week and do leg weights twice a week. It helps--a lot. Makes it easier to sleep to. But it doesn't stop me from missing you, fiercely, every day. I love you today, tomorrow and always. Happy anniversary, Dear.
ReplyDeleteHappy anniversary, my love. It would be 29 years today. I have loved you for 31 years and missed you for five. You will always be the love of my life, my soulmate. I will always love and miss you. That will never change. Oh how I wish you could meet our beautiful Ada. The kids are such wonderful parents, you'd be so proud. Ada is such a delight. She is a happy baby, who laughs and laughs. We Skype and she waves at me. She is everything I thought a grandchild would be and oh so much more. She may never get to know her grandpa, but I will tell her about you and love her for both of us. She will grow up knowing who you are and how much you would have loved her. I just wish we could have shared her together. I hope that wherever you are you are happy and out of pain. I still love you more than the world.
ReplyDeleteI missed our anniversary this year, Love. I was in the hospital. But you know that. You were with me through the hard parts. I have wanted to see you since you died, wanted some sort of sign that you were still here, somehow, somewhere. And you were with me for two days. You made sure i was safe. I love you. So I missed our anniversary. Now it's been six and a half years. You are with me every single day. I miss you every single day. I didn't make you a cake this year either. I wasn't up to it. But you know how sick I was. So happy birthday and anniversary quite late. Ada is growing. She is almost two. I am hoping that within this year we will hear that grandbaby number two is on the way. Ada would be a great big sister for a little boy or girl. Though if they decide she is enough, I will still be happy. Ada is so sweet. She came to visit about a month ago, and she was looking at my pictures. I showed her your picture, and asked if she knew who that was, and she said, "Papa," which her name for Paul. We told her no, it was Grandpa, But sometimes she gets mixed up between Ellen and me with who is Nana and who is Grandma. So I think that is what she did with you and Paul. She has a picture book I make her called Who Loves Ada? and it has pictures of her with the whole family, both sides. I put your picture by her and took a picture, so she even has one with you to look at in her book. It's time to start telling her about you. You are still alive in me, so I will make sure she knows you. I love you and miss you. You are as ever, my heart and soul.
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