I think by now all the family and a number of our friends know that Wayne isn't doing so well. He is in he hospice in patient facility, which is a section of a nursing home. It's better than the rest of the nursing home though so that is something.
He came home from the hospital and was referred to hospice a couple weeks ago and then only five days or so after he was admitted to the hospice program he had to go in. He had increasing pain and finally, when he was screaming in pain, I gave him dilaudid, the medication that I knew would make him wacky as heck, but that would stop or at least dull the pain. His regular pain meds weren't even touching it. And Wayne went away.
He has continued to need it so the nurses have been documenting how much of the vicodan and dilaudid it takes to keep him comfortable, and then today they started him on a fentynal patch. For breakthrough pain he will have vicodan and we are going to try not to give him any dilaudid at all. With this mix, we are hoping against all hope that he will come out of his stupor and come back to his previous self, but honestly, we don't know that he will. He is going downhill fast. Everyone in the family is coming the first week of April and regardless of his condition, Glenda and I decided tonight that we will take him out of there and bring him home. There should be plenty of helpers. Wayne seems to have lost his fight, and we don't know what to do to bring it back. Maybe after the visit by his family he will feel more like fighting. I sure hope so. Anyway this is a post that is extremely hard for me to write and one that I didn't want to have to write. Please understand if it's so short. Feel free to call Glenda or me to hear more specifics.
Hopefully the visit from family will help, but if he is tired and needs all of this to be through with, so be it. Of course we all want him with us forever, but we also knew that we would be facing this. The main thing is for him not to be in pain. Please put your arms around him and give him all the love from us that you can. Always in our thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDeleteI will put my arms around him and tell him that you all love him and remind him you're all coming. I hope that will give him strength.
ReplyDeleteToday, may you feel the love that surrounds you! We are praying for you. Sending lots of energy and Lots of Love and hugs to you. ♥ xox ♥
ReplyDeleteWISPERING WISHES,
ReplyDeleteUNDERNEATH HIS BREATH,
LONGING DREAMS,
TO WHOM IS LEFT...
DESIRED PURITY,
ANGELIC HEAVENLY LOVE,
FEAR INSIDE,
ASIDE,
MUST SHOVE....
SACRAFICE,
ALL EMOTION,
LETTING GO,
THIS LIFES LOST MOTION....???
SURRENDING PAIN,
UNFORTUNATE AS IS...
FEAR PUNISHED HEART,
ALL OF OURS IS HIS...
FRAGILE,
CAREFUL OF INTENT,
WITH EVERYONES GRANTED LOVE,
AND HONESTLY LENT...
REQUESSTING FOREVER,
GRANT ME THIS,
KNELLING BEFORE THE MERCY....
OF GODS PURE LOVE BLISS....
CAUTIOUSLY KNOWN,
NEVER ALWAYS PERFECTION,
PLEAING FORGIVNESS
REWARDed CHANCE,
IN THE END HIS DIVINE AFFECTION....
MISTAKES OF MANY,
INTERNAL REGRET,
LESSONS LEARNED,
SOMETIMES MET....
CONSIDERATION,
REWARD ME THIS,
GUIDED BY OUR LOVE,
UNCLE WAYNE WILL BE FOREVER MISSED.....
FOR THIS ACCEPTENCE,
LETTING GO OF EXISTENCE,
AS A LIFE DIES HERE
A SOUL SURVIVES, HIS PAINS WEAKENED RESISTENCE
♥ xox ♥
BY SHARNEY HATTEL
That is so beautiful. Makes me cry, but so true. Thanks Sharney for your compassion and thoughtfulness.
ReplyDeleteWayne, we love so so much and are looking forward to seeing you. Only one week to go. Hang in there.
For some reason the post I put up last night didn't get up here. Anyway, thank you Sharney for the beautiful poem. Would you like to read it at the memorial service? i don't know if you're going to both but you sure could read it at both is you like. I'd like you to. your pwom brought tears to my eyes.
ReplyDeleteSharney that is beautiful. Let us all pray that we can be together with him before his fight is over. And he soul will survives with all our love for him.
ReplyDeleteAll I care about is that Wayne is well taken care of and is not in pain. I think the hospice and respite care must be doing a good job, so we need to leave it in their hands to take care of him. Sending all my love and prayers.
ReplyDeleteWayne never wanted to be in a nursing home. He wants to be home and he wants to die at home. And I promised him all along that he could, that I would never put him in a nursing home. And that's where hospice is. He understands where he is and he has been able to convey to me that he doesn't want to be there. If he doesn't get to come home to die, it will haunt me for the rest of my life. I too of course want him to be well taken care of and out of pain, but why does that mean he has to be in hospice? He is still my husband and I love him more than the world. Part of my pain is seeing him in a place he doesn't want to be and being terrified he is going to die there alone.
ReplyDeleteBeing left for hours in wet or soiled clothes, left alone for hours on end, without loved ones there when you wake up, that's the way people die who have no family. Wayne has Barbara and all his family around. You guys need to figure out how to give Wayne 24/7 care and get him OUT of that place. DEATH WITH DIGNITY. Put yourself in that place and tell me YOU would like to die like that. I want my family and friends around when I go.
ReplyDeleteThis story is about Wayne Sorenson, a light-hearted man who loves to laugh, and his passage from this world. Please make him the most important person in the story.
Barbara, if you can't get someone to help you care for Wayne so he can come home to die, Denise can fly out and help. The hospice people will still come every day and assist you.
I know this is what Wayne wants.
This has always been about Wayne and no one else. Not Barb, not us ,no one but Wayne. He is our brother, our family. We love him more than anything. We are not a bunch of stupid non compassionate people. We want Wayne SAFE, and we know that Barb cannot take care of Wayne by herself. This is a fact. Glenda, is with him as much as possible,and has gone above and beyond anyone to make sure this happens. She is also taking care of Barb. She has put in all the leg work to get him the medical care when Barb couldn't.
ReplyDeleteWayne has told Glenda what he wants, so I refeuse to second guess her judgement.
Wayne, we love you and we will we all be home to see you in a few days.
I have thought about this alot last night and Wayne will pass away with dignity no matter what building he is in. To die with dignity does not depend on where the body is, it depends on knowing that you lived a good life, gave and received much love. Think about all the soldiers who die on the battlefield.They all die with dignity, as so will my brother, because he is safe and loved,so please do not think otherwise.
ReplyDeleteBut it does depend on not sitting around in wet diapers and being allowed to fall constantly. And it does depend on your loved ones being with you in your last days. And he has explicitly said REPEATEDLY that he wants to die at home. This is about my dad and my dad's wishes. If he can be well taken care of at home, he should be allowed to be home per his wishes. Period. And it is my wish for him that he be allowed to die at home. Our incredibly wonderful family friend Denise has graciously volunteered to come to Missoula to be his care taker during his final days or weeks. She is perhaps the most intelligent person I know, is incredibly compassionate and infinitely level-headed. She is more than capable of providing the assistance he needs, and actually worked in a nursing home providing the same type of care to her patients years ago. She is wonderful. Please allow her to be there for him and help him realize his dying wishes. And please remember this is about him.
ReplyDeleteAnd while we're thinking about all this, please remember that he is my husband of 24 years and I have been with him and supported him the entire time. I love him more than the world and I know he hates it in there. I can see it and he is able to convey it to me. Denise used to be a nurse, not a cna, and she will take wonderful care of him.
ReplyDeleteBarbara, my heart is breaking to think that Wayne's last wishes are not being respected and honored. This is about Wayne and anything about Wayne is about you.
ReplyDeleteWhen you said you were divorcing and both heartbroken to be divorced, I told you that you were not divorced. You are not divorced in heart and soul and spirit. A piece of paper is nothing and has never assured commitment or the devoted and loving marriage you and Wayne have shared.
Through 24 years of marriage you have worked through so much together. I have always admired your strength and courage and the fact that through it all you are both still in love. You are an inspiration to me.
You are so entwined and integrated that you a a ONENESS. The thought of you being torn apart at this juncture is unthinkable.
Wayne needs you now more than ever in his life. He needs your physical and emotional and spiritual presence. I know he wants this.
How could anyone who cares about Wayne want him to be alone in a hospice with the danger of falling out of bed and laying in wet diapers.
Who there is going to care as much as you? Who there is going to love him with the deep love you have for him? Who there will sing him to sleep to soothe his pain and hold his hand at night and him his darkest hours?
Wayne has made it clear where he wants to be. You have a magnificent gift of a friend in Denise who is qualified to take this on.
It is so unfortunate that at times like these, relatives who think they are well meaning make such seriously wrong and harmful decisions.
If there were no one at home to care for Wayne, that would be different. But you are there and Denise is willing to come and Hospice will come.
If seems if Waynes' family really wants to help, they could be there too some of the time also. It seems there are plenty of people around to take care of Wayne and honor is dying request. I am praying for all involved at this time that the highest good is served.
I love you and You and Wayne and Mandy are in my heart.
WoW it's truely sad to read all this negative energy, Everyone all says they want the best for Wayne, but by reading this i see alot of selfishness. The most important thing for Wayne is that he is COMFORTABLE AND SAFE!!! Thats it!! I am very offended by all of you talking Terrible about nursing homes and CNA's. I am a CNA and have worked in the best nursing homes. I'm not sure where you are getting your information. Our patients NEVER sat around in wet diapers and were allowed to fall!!! EVER!! If any of our patients were as sick as Wayne is, it was one on one care. Also I dont know why anybody feels that if wayne is in a nursing home he will die alone. What are you affraid to visit him in the nursing home? There is no rule as to why BARB couldnt be there 24/7 they would even supply her with a bed. I understand that he want to be at home when he passes, but his Comfort and Safely is very Important. Uncle Wayne will die with DIGNITY no matter where it happens. Shame on anyone who says different! Its not where you die, its the life you lived.
ReplyDeleteIt was my understanding this page was for wayne and to send him love and happiness! I dont believe he would ever want anyone body fighting over is death!!
This is so sad we are losing a very loving person.
I will never forget a few summers ago when we all floated down the Clark Fork river it was such a beautiful day it was so nice to have this memory of you!!
Sending my love with LOTS of POSITIVE energy!!
In response to yet another negatively energized comment (you who are so concerned about this), this hospice/nursing home does not allow overnight guests - it is against their rules. Wayne also has fallen out of bed 3 times of which I am aware since this facility does NOT provide 24/7 care. They do check on him hourly, which is very good care and all anyone can expect in this environment, but which is why his daughter and wife want him home so he CAN have 24/7 care - minute by minute instead of the hourly regime.
ReplyDeleteJudging by this and other comments you have written, you obviously are unaware of the situation Wayne is living through. As well, this commentary is not about you, your abilities or your position as a CNA; as you should be well aware, there are good and better facilities, and even some unsavory ones.
I suggest that we all do as WAYNE wants and not interject our own wishes/values on the situation. He wants to die at home with his family around him. I am willing to help Wayne and his wonderful family through this last journey.
WOULD EVERYONE JUST STOP!!! I know that we are near the end and everyone is sad,and scared , and sensitive, but for anyone who says we don't want the best for Wayne can go to hell. I find it hard to believe that the people who are being so judgemental of our family never wrote on the blog earlier when all of this started when well wishes were being sent to Wayne. Where were you all then?I am very offended that people who do not know our family are judging us. Many things have happened that people are not aware of. No one said Wayne's wishes were not being respected or honored. We did not say we didn't want him to be home,only that we want him to be safe,and we know that Barb cannot take care of him by herself.Everything is getting blown way out of proportion.
ReplyDeleteThank goodness Barb's friend can come and help her. It is help that is needed and will be much appreciated. It's just to much for Barb and Glenda to handle on their own. Of course we want Wayne home. No one ever said otherwise, just that we want him safe. Is it really that hard to uunderstand?
So would everyone please take a deep breath and relax. God will see us through.
Thank you Donna,
ReplyDeleteI am so glad to hear you want Wayne home too. That is what is important, not all the fighting. And you're right. I can't take care of him alone, but with Denise, a former LPN, here, we can safely bring him home. I am so blessed to have her as a friend.
Celine, this nursing home is hospice and they don't allow any restraints so that means no bars on the beds. He has now fallen four times, the fourth today while I was there , and I caught him with his head one inch from the floor. It happened really fast. There are two CNAs and one RN for an entire wing. There are many patients who are bedridden and these two have to deliver and pick up food as well as feed a lot of them. I have the utmost respect for the CNAs there. They run their butts off. There is no such thing as one on one. I am glad you are in a facility that is able to provide that quality of care. I wish Wayne were. I don't believe Denise intended to knock your profession. She started as a CNA and she worked in nursing homes too.
Amen. I too, find this so hard to see the disfunction of people when it come to times like this. Funny thought, I was in a CPR class on Monday night, and what I left with the most on my mind which is where we are now is: Survey the Scene: Safety! I was lucky, I had a great talk with Wayne on one of his last good days. He knows his SCENE and he know his family. And if you look back and when the blog started. Wayne wanted to come home and be with his family. No bad decisions are being made. We are "Surveying the Scene" All of us have jobs and obligations that can't allow us to just just stop and give Wayne the full time care and he needs. And that is what is takes. Full Time Care. As much as I wish I could and all of do, it not an option. We are family and would like to include and Wayne's friends into our heart as we are go though this most difficult time. So please be understanding of our position and we are just trying.
ReplyDeleteSorry to anyone who took offense of what I said I did not mean any negative. Sorry you misunderstood what I was trying to get at.
ReplyDeleteWayne I send my love and lots of positive energy!! The whole family is in my prayers!!
Hi, Everyone,
ReplyDeleteI want to add my two bits in for peace.
I met Wayne, Barb and Mandy back in 1994 in Leavenworth, Washington. Through the years I have enjoyed many meals at their home and helped Wayne with many projects, like mounting a snow blower on their garden tractor(that had us both scratching our heads), moving (twice!), etc.
I gave Wayne all my old leather stamps, and he made me a pipe that still wows everyone who sees it.
After coming home from Korea, Wayne stayed with us for 5-6 weeks before going on to Montana. Later, Barb visited with us a while, too. It was my turn to feed THEM for a change. Then they got established in Wenatchee and Barb had us over for more of her great cooking.
Denise was diagnosed with colon cancer back in 2008. Barbara was there for her surgeries(two), and spent every single chemotherapy session with Denise for six months. Many days I would go over and visit Wayne while Barb and Denise visited in the chemo room.
Throughout the years, Wayne and I shared many visits and talks. I was with him through many seizures through the years. In spite of that, he was always happy, friendly, and loved to laugh about almost anything. I used to get a kick out of all the devices he would try for making a better home-rolled cigarette.
I believe Wayne IS a very dignified man, and my statement about death with dignity was not meant to indicate he was anything less.
It just makes me really, really sad to think of MYSELF in his condition without my Denise, my children, my sis all being there so that I wouldn't have to face a moment alone.
I know that many people are forced to do that very thing, daily, but if it lies within my power, or Denise's, we will do all we can to help all of you see my old friend though this last phase of his journey though life in as much comfort and peace as possible.
I truly love Wayne and Barb, and it is hard to be here so far away and not able to go visit him a couple of times every day.
I wish peace for you all, and I hope everything will come together for the good of Wayne.
JP
Oh my the wonderful world of internet blogging!!!! And this is why it took me so long to even visit this page....This question is to everyone "how is it that all you have such incredible powers to know what the true meaning of words that have been written on this site actually mean??? What someones writes and what ones perception of what the message reads to be said could be in all actually not really what was was ment at all!!!!....Please someone tell me where i can get some of this mind reading power??? Im truely confused i visited this site for the first time the other night and wrote a poem to inspire and enlightment yet to only have it followed by craziness and individuals who have perceive the word s and feelings of anothers written blogs and comments to mean somthing that is not. It is as if what is ment to be said when written somehow turned into a personal attack. I know everyone is hurting and we all deal with this pain differently. When i read these blogs it pains my heart even more because of what i am reading. The messages that have followed from what i had wrote.... unfortunately followed with negativity. It took what is already a very sad situtation and has made it even more saddened by what everyones clogged perceptual filter seems to perceive and intererpt different meanings to what is truly said..... what someones intended written message actually means and what someone reads it to mean could in all actually of seperate worlds.... all i feel i am reading on this page is words of negative debate on where my uncle is going to die, i know that the chance of him becoming better is not in my hands nor is it in any of yours. But do we have to focus on his death can we not focus on his life and his presents that still remains amongst us no matter where he is...we need to enjoy what time we have now in the present with him...worring about what and when things might happen or even how just seems to emotionally drain ourselves more. If we do not stop all of this we may find ourselves regreting the little things we have ended up taking for granted... please take the best care of my uncle that is allowed... no matter where he is and please can we all let go of what may come or maybe what will be in the future...he is still alive!!!! enjoy it now before its lost...the what if's only seem to go around in circles arguing and attacking each others written words and feelings because of the way this hurts you and the ways in which you perceive what is said from these messages on this blog page hurts me and is the reason i have avoided even visiting this site "and of course those of you with your endless incredible power to read into what someone has written and what that person is actually meaning by what they say... is in my opinion wrong!!!!! i do not know who "ddderocher" is??? but by sitting in judgement of what another comments only make yourself and others around you feel more bad and if not worse. If you wish to read and judge what im saying here "ddderocher" i can maybe help by just straight up telling you that i honestly do not know much about the situation here, in fact my sister celine probably knows more than i do. but if you wish to read this and judge what is ment to be said and perceive it in way like you did with my little sisters last blog...... just know this!!! The message that is written here is a message that is ment to read as followed "please everyone find the positive try not to be mad at each other for hurting and feeling in the ways in which you do...take consideration, maybe not in the same ways as you are at this moment but in the similar yet different ways they may as well be hurting in their own moment just as much......
ReplyDeleteit does still hurt and it is a hurt that noone can control.... i may not be but merely waynes nieces who sits from afar but it hurts very much when someone like myself reads the things that have been written here, those of you who think that u can judge what another is going through and how they feel simply by what you believe to be said through what has been written and what the message is actually ment to be saying is crazy... This page i thought was suposed to a way for emotional relief from the pain we are all feeling. Taking what it is that one feels and what ones way of expressing their feelings to mean out of context is insane..... is not right and it straight up mind boggles me...and just for the record my message here is not meant mean spirited or to be perceived as an attached just a comment stating that reading any of this hurts my feelings very much... if anyone wishes to read this and believe something that is nothing or judge what i may write in the future.... well all i can say is judge away my friend because i have no clue of any situations taken place with my uncle wayne's care right now so if your opinion is that i have no place to comment then that is of your opinion.... which everyone is entitled to!!!!!My opinion!!!! however is no matter how clueless i may be what so ever about the situation that all of you are writing about. and seem to be debating does not mean that what i have written here to be percieved as if i am in any way being selfish of my own feelings or focusing on the past present or future experiences of my life.... ill i wish to say is i do love my uncle and wish i could be around him to enjoy his existence within my life while i still can.... and well ddderocher not to make you defensive or feel like you are being attacked by my saying this but
ReplyDeleteyou made a statement towards my sister and i quote "Judging by this and other comments you have written, you obviously are unaware of the situation" by what someone feels or is hurt by does not mean they should be judged by yourself or anyone.....its like i read all these negative comments that seem to conclude with yours. You open yours with "In response to yet another negatively energized comment (you who are so concerned about this), " to even question how all of this makes them feel or anyone feels is not of yours to sit in judgement of.....As i read this sentence my peceptual filter becomes clogged as well and i percieve it to read as very condesending towards his closest immediate familly who are struggling with a kind of pain that they can not control....the way they feel or i feel does not make them at all not knowledgable about what they are talking about i do not care about what there profession is, there marital status, or simply being one of waynes familly members or his close personal friend their comments and emotions should not be something you have any right to diss, dismiss or even sit in question or judgement of.... your comment is rude and disturbing and mean by the way i have read it...especially when it is you yourself who has read it to mean something that was really not meant to said at all.....
i know this hurts everyone but comments like these seem to just add to that hurt not make it less.....
sharney
Sharney,
ReplyDeleteI think you have really hit on a fact of communication. People often say things that have a very different intent than the writer meant, including Celine and dddrocher, who happens to be the Denise, who is otherwise talked about well on this blog. Fighting will absolutely not make this situation any better and for me it is making what is the most painful and horrible experience in my life worse. I need everyone to be on the same page. I need the fighting to stop, and I believe it has. My husband needs to have a peaceful death, surrounded by as much love as possible, not by hostility or mean-spiritedness. But I don't believe anyone who has written on this blog has intended anything other for Wayne. We all love him and somehow, we need to communicate that to each other as well.
Yeah,tomorrow is Friday and we will be on our way to Montana.Can't wait to see everyone. I know this is going to be a most difficult trip,but we will all have each other for support.
ReplyDeleteBarb, I asked that you do not read any of this negative stuff to Wayne as it would break his heart. He needs to only hear good postive stuff, which is how much we love him which he already knows in his heart, but one can never hear those words often enough.So please keep tellling him time and time again. See you tomorrow or Saturday. Sending much love and hugs.
Donna, I have NEVER read him anything negative and in fact have stopped reading the blogs to him and rather just given his the general idea of what was positively said.
ReplyDeleteDonna and everyone else who is coming, Wayne looks really bad. He is very thin, maybe 115 at best, bald and beardless and toothless. He is unable to talk much or carry on a conversation, I just want to warn you, Darrell took one look and his eyes filled with tears but he handled it really well. He's getting really close now, a week or two tops, I think but I think he is just holding out to see everyone. The last comers are Mandy and Dan, and Denise at midnight Saturday night, so he should hold through Sunday and hopefully a bit longer. I hope someone can prepare your dad and even Carol, you need to be prepared. It was a steep nosedive, And maybe all this love he is and will be getting will keep him alive a bit longer, I am not ready yet. Barb
Don't worry Donna, I only send him the love these day people send and hug him from everyone who sends hugs,
ReplyDeleteThank you. I was sure that was the case.None of us are readyto let him go even though we knew this day would come. It just came to fast.We are leaving in about1/2 hour so will see you soon.
ReplyDelete“I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid."
ReplyDeleteJohn 14:27
Sending my love and hugs
Thanks, Celine. I'll be sure he gets them.
ReplyDeleteThanks, I'm sad I could not come with my parents but I just couldnt afford it. I am there in spirit.
ReplyDeleteI hear you guys are getting snow, So I will send the sunshine your way!!
my love and hugs!
Words can't describe the sadness that just came over me...us. Power, pride, amazement and overall everything that Uncle Wayne is and was. Rest in peace paradise. I am so greatful to have had you in my life! This world is only better because of you.
ReplyDeleteFor my dearest brother Wayne, although you are no longer with us in body, you will forever be in our hearts. Please join Mom and look down upon us often. If you look in Fern's yard you will see snow angels, and a snow Wayne that we made just for you.Forever in my thoughts.
ReplyDelete